"Warning: Interacting with me may lead to a friendship which will mean that any time for the rest of your life, or even after, I may show up unannounced."
Sometimes my gall even amazes me.
And who else gets mittelschmerz? Sucks.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
mourning
I might have actually gotten more studying done when I was traveling.
I'm finding it impossible to concentrate.
I keep thinking about John. It's not that we've ever been close, it's not even that I've been close to Carrie in recent years.
It's just that it's SO DAMN SAD that Carrie died.
Somehow it all makes fee simple subject to a condition subsequent seem completely unimportant. Unfortunately the days where I could just shrug and say, "Oh, it'll all be fine if I don't stress about it" and still do really well - those days are long gone.
I want to DO something to help John, but I don't know what. He has friends, he has family. And it's about being selfish - I want to do something for him that will make ME feel better. Make ME less sad about Carrie being gone forever. How fair is that? So I don't call him because what I want is for him to make me feel better, and that's ridiculous. He lost his wife and the mother of his young son; I lost an old dear friend I expected to reconnect with some day. There's no comparison in our grief.
John would be the first to say that life goes on. And I know he doesn't mean it in a way that disrespects her memory in any way - and he's right. Of course life goes on. But it's so very very sad.
Not that I'd honor Carrie's memory at all by flunking my exams - but somehow in my 30's I found a level of emotionality I never knew before. I'm SAD now and I miss the memory of my friend who was a really good person. Dammit.
I'm finding it impossible to concentrate.
I keep thinking about John. It's not that we've ever been close, it's not even that I've been close to Carrie in recent years.
It's just that it's SO DAMN SAD that Carrie died.
Somehow it all makes fee simple subject to a condition subsequent seem completely unimportant. Unfortunately the days where I could just shrug and say, "Oh, it'll all be fine if I don't stress about it" and still do really well - those days are long gone.
I want to DO something to help John, but I don't know what. He has friends, he has family. And it's about being selfish - I want to do something for him that will make ME feel better. Make ME less sad about Carrie being gone forever. How fair is that? So I don't call him because what I want is for him to make me feel better, and that's ridiculous. He lost his wife and the mother of his young son; I lost an old dear friend I expected to reconnect with some day. There's no comparison in our grief.
John would be the first to say that life goes on. And I know he doesn't mean it in a way that disrespects her memory in any way - and he's right. Of course life goes on. But it's so very very sad.
Not that I'd honor Carrie's memory at all by flunking my exams - but somehow in my 30's I found a level of emotionality I never knew before. I'm SAD now and I miss the memory of my friend who was a really good person. Dammit.
a river in Wisconsin
Hm ... just saw that where Fred's wedding is, there's fun kayaking trips right nearby. Hm. I could see Fred and be there for him at the wedding, go kayaking for a couple days, and make the ex-whatever at least buy me dinner (just informed him of that). This is starting to sound more and more fun. And I can go from here to Green Bay to Anchorage to Portland and back to here all for considerably less than the past weekend cost me. But I need to decide pretty soon.
The only problem I see with that trip is that it could be three weeks long or more, and that might be a long time to be away from even a PT job. Well, if she'd let me do work away, I could get some done at the yurts (they have no phone reception, but they have internet) and in Eugene. Course I'll be so damn busy chopping wood at the yurts and bathing the dogs in Eugene that when will I have time to research? Hm.
PLAN GIRL IN ACTION. Well, I'll talk to her early next week and make solid plans then.
Sure beats property. I'm reading the prof's answers to previous exams, and they don't even make any sense. Exam's tomorrow and I'm so screwed. Only hope I have is that everybody else is, too - it's graded on a curve after all. I just so don't want to get below a B. Sigh.
The only problem I see with that trip is that it could be three weeks long or more, and that might be a long time to be away from even a PT job. Well, if she'd let me do work away, I could get some done at the yurts (they have no phone reception, but they have internet) and in Eugene. Course I'll be so damn busy chopping wood at the yurts and bathing the dogs in Eugene that when will I have time to research? Hm.
PLAN GIRL IN ACTION. Well, I'll talk to her early next week and make solid plans then.
Sure beats property. I'm reading the prof's answers to previous exams, and they don't even make any sense. Exam's tomorrow and I'm so screwed. Only hope I have is that everybody else is, too - it's graded on a curve after all. I just so don't want to get below a B. Sigh.
fantasy
This pic I see every time I sign out of Hotmail, and other sites somehow I encounter it.YUMMILICIOUS.
I bet I'd like the way he smells. I would break my "no white boys" rule for him. No doubt about it Tiff - Brad and Angelina are my fantasy couple. :)
if you're flying to Kodiak ...
Do not book through Alaska Air!
I would have saved myself about $200 if I had booked directly with who I flew with, Era - at flyera.com.
Oh well - live and learn.
And it all worked out - the rental company that gave me a BRAND NEW WHITE CAR could have charged me extra cleaning fees for the heavy layer of mud and some gravel-caused paint chips, but they didn't. So I got a killer rental car deal which partially makes up for the Alaska Air money suck.
I would have saved myself about $200 if I had booked directly with who I flew with, Era - at flyera.com.
Oh well - live and learn.
And it all worked out - the rental company that gave me a BRAND NEW WHITE CAR could have charged me extra cleaning fees for the heavy layer of mud and some gravel-caused paint chips, but they didn't. So I got a killer rental car deal which partially makes up for the Alaska Air money suck.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
a summer of weddings
What's my problem? I want a rebound boy, and where better to find one than at a wedding?
Instead, I've already asked Lalo to go to Gail's wedding if I can make it there, and have contacted an ex- in Wisconsin, thinking I'll feel him out to see if I should ask him to go to Fred's wedding if I can make it there.
Um, ok, maybe I'm just asking them both because I want a ride. So, I'm not so much Saboteuse as User Girl. Just kidding - it's never using with Lalo - we always have fun together (I tried to post here to my old blog's link where Lalo and I drove to Vegas to spend the day with Gail and Shelton - yeah, because really it's because of US that they're getting married - haha). And the other guy - well, he deserves to be used. Four ex-wives wasn't a wake-up call to me, but the bad sex was. (OK, I'm going to just apologize now for all the moms who may be reading my blog - maybe I should put in a ratings system.)
I don't want to be alone at Fred's wedding. No matter who this chick is marrying him, I'll never think she's good enough for him. And there I'll be, surrounded by all HER people - because what Liberian will be going to the middle of freaking nowhere Wisconsin to Fred's wedding? And it's his wedding - I won't even get to spend quality time with him.
Clearly I'm conflicted on whether I should go. And not just because the rebound boys there aren't my type (read: white boys - Rick said I "raid the races" in my "dating" after I explained that I don't like the way white guys smell, how their skin feels, and how their hair grows).
All this instead of studying Property. My brain is full. But tomorrow is a brand-new day and I'll be fresh and ready to tackle it then.
The Property, I mean.
Well, there's still Ayanna's wedding if I go, and that would be the best place to find a rebound boy - what with it being local and everybody that I know that's involved and invited is Black. So, no date to that. Just a sexy dress - or maybe I should just wear an "I'm Available" t-shirt.
Instead, I've already asked Lalo to go to Gail's wedding if I can make it there, and have contacted an ex- in Wisconsin, thinking I'll feel him out to see if I should ask him to go to Fred's wedding if I can make it there.
Um, ok, maybe I'm just asking them both because I want a ride. So, I'm not so much Saboteuse as User Girl. Just kidding - it's never using with Lalo - we always have fun together (I tried to post here to my old blog's link where Lalo and I drove to Vegas to spend the day with Gail and Shelton - yeah, because really it's because of US that they're getting married - haha). And the other guy - well, he deserves to be used. Four ex-wives wasn't a wake-up call to me, but the bad sex was. (OK, I'm going to just apologize now for all the moms who may be reading my blog - maybe I should put in a ratings system.)
I don't want to be alone at Fred's wedding. No matter who this chick is marrying him, I'll never think she's good enough for him. And there I'll be, surrounded by all HER people - because what Liberian will be going to the middle of freaking nowhere Wisconsin to Fred's wedding? And it's his wedding - I won't even get to spend quality time with him.
Clearly I'm conflicted on whether I should go. And not just because the rebound boys there aren't my type (read: white boys - Rick said I "raid the races" in my "dating" after I explained that I don't like the way white guys smell, how their skin feels, and how their hair grows).
All this instead of studying Property. My brain is full. But tomorrow is a brand-new day and I'll be fresh and ready to tackle it then.
The Property, I mean.
Well, there's still Ayanna's wedding if I go, and that would be the best place to find a rebound boy - what with it being local and everybody that I know that's involved and invited is Black. So, no date to that. Just a sexy dress - or maybe I should just wear an "I'm Available" t-shirt.
crossing the divide
It's pretty often that I muse that I find it very troubling how very divisive our country is now (and how I blame Bush, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the muse).
Red states, blue states. That should be a Dr. Seuss book, not our country's social structure.
I have friends from all sorts of different backgrounds and beliefs, and while there are some things I just flat-out can't tolerate (racism or homophobia), I find that my relationships with people who believe very differently than me enrich and nourish my life.
But this isn't about me.
Brian Mann, who once tried to hypnotize me, has written this book: Welcome to the Homeland: A Journey to the Rural Heart of America's Conservative Revolution. In it he describes his attempts to find common ground with his brother, who is at the other side of the political spectrum.
Brian's sister is Lisa, who told me about the book. I've known Lisa since she moved to Sitka in late elementary school, and we know each other's families well. Funnily enough, she spends her summers about an hour away from my parents in Kansas (though lives most the year in rural Alaska). Small world.
Oh, and the hypnotizing? Slumber party madness, and he was quite disgusted when I wouldn't play along.
And seeing their picture? Makes me feel way old, since I haven't seen either of them since they were in high school - I was younger than them, but they look like OLD MEN, and they aren't THAT much older than me. (Which ties into what I said probably 100 times this weekend - "Why do we women age so well, and the men so DON'T?!")
Anyway, it looks like a good book and I'm glad he wrote it and Lisa told me about it. Sparked a conversation about how things have changed in Sitka - how all these stupid rich people have moved in and snatched up all the land (starter homes run for $400,000 there now) which has set up a real class divide. Mind you, there are only 8,000 people there. And when I was in high school, we could always tell who'd been to the quarry keggers because of their "quarry shoes" on Monday - all covered in mud and quarry slurry. The thought that any of us would have more than one pair of shoes (I'm not counting the Xtra Tuf boots because those are indispensable but usually not worn socially or to school) - well, it hadn't occurred to us.
Change - it's not always for the best.
Red states, blue states. That should be a Dr. Seuss book, not our country's social structure.
I have friends from all sorts of different backgrounds and beliefs, and while there are some things I just flat-out can't tolerate (racism or homophobia), I find that my relationships with people who believe very differently than me enrich and nourish my life.
But this isn't about me.
Brian Mann, who once tried to hypnotize me, has written this book: Welcome to the Homeland: A Journey to the Rural Heart of America's Conservative Revolution. In it he describes his attempts to find common ground with his brother, who is at the other side of the political spectrum.
Brian's sister is Lisa, who told me about the book. I've known Lisa since she moved to Sitka in late elementary school, and we know each other's families well. Funnily enough, she spends her summers about an hour away from my parents in Kansas (though lives most the year in rural Alaska). Small world.
Oh, and the hypnotizing? Slumber party madness, and he was quite disgusted when I wouldn't play along.
And seeing their picture? Makes me feel way old, since I haven't seen either of them since they were in high school - I was younger than them, but they look like OLD MEN, and they aren't THAT much older than me. (Which ties into what I said probably 100 times this weekend - "Why do we women age so well, and the men so DON'T?!")
Anyway, it looks like a good book and I'm glad he wrote it and Lisa told me about it. Sparked a conversation about how things have changed in Sitka - how all these stupid rich people have moved in and snatched up all the land (starter homes run for $400,000 there now) which has set up a real class divide. Mind you, there are only 8,000 people there. And when I was in high school, we could always tell who'd been to the quarry keggers because of their "quarry shoes" on Monday - all covered in mud and quarry slurry. The thought that any of us would have more than one pair of shoes (I'm not counting the Xtra Tuf boots because those are indispensable but usually not worn socially or to school) - well, it hadn't occurred to us.
Change - it's not always for the best.
don't feed the visitors
Hm. Last week I wore pants that were somewhat loose. Today, less than a week later, I wear them and they are tight.
So, when I show up on your doorstep, don't feed the visitors! No potlucks or grilled goat meat (John thought he would make me sad saying it was baby goats but I was like, "I love goat - and young - yum, tender!" and tried to take a bag home) or blueberry bagels or lasagna! No sandwiches, no waffles, no ... um, that's all I ate the whole time. It must have been Mary's chocolate torte - one slice of that was 671 calories (embedded in my memory, since I saw the nutritional content).
Yay me, and my metabolism which would get me through any famine.
So, when I show up on your doorstep, don't feed the visitors! No potlucks or grilled goat meat (John thought he would make me sad saying it was baby goats but I was like, "I love goat - and young - yum, tender!" and tried to take a bag home) or blueberry bagels or lasagna! No sandwiches, no waffles, no ... um, that's all I ate the whole time. It must have been Mary's chocolate torte - one slice of that was 671 calories (embedded in my memory, since I saw the nutritional content).
Yay me, and my metabolism which would get me through any famine.
exam view
The one thing I have to look forward to in finals?
Hot guys.
I don't know why it works out like this, but last semester during finals, for the first time I talked to and hung out with all the cute guys I'd noticed. Not that there are many, but the study groups and friends of friends got me introduced all around.
Today, I went to take my make-up final and had to kick out the only hot guy (intriguing, really) I noticed but hadn't yet met. He sat outside the whole damn time and then when I was finished I called him in - acknowledging that I know his very cool name and introducing myself. And we chatted a little and he's as cool as I thought, and he'd noticed me in the one class I have with upper classmen.
Yeah, I need me a rebound boy all right. I need to wash that Dayton right out of my hair. It won't be a law student, that's for damn sure - I'm not insane - but I can enjoy the view.
Hot guys.
I don't know why it works out like this, but last semester during finals, for the first time I talked to and hung out with all the cute guys I'd noticed. Not that there are many, but the study groups and friends of friends got me introduced all around.
Today, I went to take my make-up final and had to kick out the only hot guy (intriguing, really) I noticed but hadn't yet met. He sat outside the whole damn time and then when I was finished I called him in - acknowledging that I know his very cool name and introducing myself. And we chatted a little and he's as cool as I thought, and he'd noticed me in the one class I have with upper classmen.
Yeah, I need me a rebound boy all right. I need to wash that Dayton right out of my hair. It won't be a law student, that's for damn sure - I'm not insane - but I can enjoy the view.
afternoon delight
When Tiff told the boys I was coming to visit, they asked if they knew me and if I was sarcastic.
To the second, a definite affirmative, as this title indicates.
I'm going, in about 20 minutes, to take my Con Law final - making it up from yesterday. My brain feels encased in cotton, though it's a little better now than a few hours ago (when I emailed about the job interview this morning to confirm, he responded asking at 7:40 if I could be there at 8:00 (two hours earlier than planned) ... showering was in a hurry, and brain was definitely in cotton then).
I hate afternoon exams - my body doesn't function well from about 2-4 pm. I've always known this and have frequently planned appropriately, but I don't have any control that ALL my finals this year (what my grades are entirely based upon) are during the very worst time of day for me.
Oh well. That's the least of my problems this time around. I guess I do know the content ok - I did study like a maniac on the airplane and when I would wake up at 4:30 am. I just didn't practice it enough - and that's what the test is all about. But, there's no guarantee I would have practiced it enough even if here, so oh well.
My biggest problem is that I don't explain well enough on the exam questions - I don't make everything explicit. I think it comes from teaching 8th graders, where I'm known to ramble on at length, but getting to the point quickly was definitely an asset in keeping their attention. They don't want you to get to the point on law exams, and rewiring my brain has been difficult, and I don't do it very well.
So, I do have a job lined up probably - as a part-time research assistant. It seems really perfect for me - I can travel quite a bit and get my pro bono hours out of the way and do other NOLA things, all while being able to write some legal experience on my resume. She seems a little scattered about what she wants, and she hired three of us, so I'm not really sure about a lot of things, but I'll go talk to her on Tuesday about it. The interview today was about a FT research assistantship - the pay for all of them is really, really bad. But I like the idea of not showing up in a suit every day and of having flexibility to do other things.
Especially a wake-up call after Carrie. I want to go to Gail's wedding, and Fred's. I want to visit my friends in Riverside and in Oregon and in Alaska, and that's my goal for the summer - legal profession be damned. I want to chop wood at the yurts until my arms ache unbearably (that will take about three minutes) and help them plant a garden.
Next summer I will be completely tied to a law job (hopefully!) and then once I start practicing, vacations are few and far between. I'll worry about my priorities then at that time. For now, I have a summer ahead and I want to play, mosquitoes be damned.
To the second, a definite affirmative, as this title indicates.
I'm going, in about 20 minutes, to take my Con Law final - making it up from yesterday. My brain feels encased in cotton, though it's a little better now than a few hours ago (when I emailed about the job interview this morning to confirm, he responded asking at 7:40 if I could be there at 8:00 (two hours earlier than planned) ... showering was in a hurry, and brain was definitely in cotton then).
I hate afternoon exams - my body doesn't function well from about 2-4 pm. I've always known this and have frequently planned appropriately, but I don't have any control that ALL my finals this year (what my grades are entirely based upon) are during the very worst time of day for me.
Oh well. That's the least of my problems this time around. I guess I do know the content ok - I did study like a maniac on the airplane and when I would wake up at 4:30 am. I just didn't practice it enough - and that's what the test is all about. But, there's no guarantee I would have practiced it enough even if here, so oh well.
My biggest problem is that I don't explain well enough on the exam questions - I don't make everything explicit. I think it comes from teaching 8th graders, where I'm known to ramble on at length, but getting to the point quickly was definitely an asset in keeping their attention. They don't want you to get to the point on law exams, and rewiring my brain has been difficult, and I don't do it very well.
So, I do have a job lined up probably - as a part-time research assistant. It seems really perfect for me - I can travel quite a bit and get my pro bono hours out of the way and do other NOLA things, all while being able to write some legal experience on my resume. She seems a little scattered about what she wants, and she hired three of us, so I'm not really sure about a lot of things, but I'll go talk to her on Tuesday about it. The interview today was about a FT research assistantship - the pay for all of them is really, really bad. But I like the idea of not showing up in a suit every day and of having flexibility to do other things.
Especially a wake-up call after Carrie. I want to go to Gail's wedding, and Fred's. I want to visit my friends in Riverside and in Oregon and in Alaska, and that's my goal for the summer - legal profession be damned. I want to chop wood at the yurts until my arms ache unbearably (that will take about three minutes) and help them plant a garden.
Next summer I will be completely tied to a law job (hopefully!) and then once I start practicing, vacations are few and far between. I'll worry about my priorities then at that time. For now, I have a summer ahead and I want to play, mosquitoes be damned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)