have I always been so shallow?

All the guys I found attractive last semester, we're now buddies. I "somehow" happened to get to know them. Yeah, it's about all that time as a middle school teacher, manipulating situations to get what I wanted with nobody knowing it was my plan.

None of course did I feel like I wanted a relationship with or anything - just, they're hot and why not enjoy some eye candy? For all I put up with, being in school with people 15 years younger than me, why not enjoy the view?

And they are nice people - always an element in thinking somebody's attractive. I enjoy my conversations with them. But nothing more. There's no connection beyond a conviviality.

But there is this other guy. I never would have spoken to him if it weren't for a mutual buddy. It's not just that he's a white guy (never attractive to me) or geeky looking and needing a haircut and often cheap tatty clothing. It's kind of the whole picture, and he's invisible pretty much.

But he (let's call him ... CN) is really great. The mutual buddy (let's say ... MB) and me, we like each other and are eerily alike in our outdoor interests (how we got to know each other) and religious interests (nonexistent) and other things. But we can only take each other in small doses. I can recognize that moment just as either he or I or both of us start to get testy with each other, and it's no big deal - we just step back and don't have to interact for awhile. But CN, he's not like that at all. He's a peacemaker between us (not that we ever fight or anything), and he always defends me and always says just the right thing - but he has a spine, too. He have nice conversations and he really listens to me and really talks honestly.

And I'm almost to the point where I no longer notice his overt unattractiveness, though not entirely. If I were to be stuck on a desert island with somebody, I would take him in a heartbeat over any of my pretty boys - and not just because he's very outdoorsy savvy. There's something really valuable in being with people who are really interesting to talk with and listen and communicate well, and know how to read my moods and de-provoke me. Eye candy decays.

But we're not on a desert island, and we never interact outside a particularly circumscribed area.

We're going to move beyond that, with a study group we're starting. It would have made the most sense to meet at my place, but no boys allowed. Not really that - it's just so private here since it's a studio, and I don't want them to see so much of me.

If he were prettier, or not white, or not a boy - how different would our friendship be? He offered his place to meet ... but I didn't want to see so much of him. We're meeting at MB's girlfriend's house - I like her. Nice and neutral.