picking at the sores

"Treat flattery like chewing gum; enjoy it but don't swallow it."

Each day on BBC Network Africa, they begin with a local African proverb submitted by a listener (just after the rooster crow - which I will always equate with Africa, as I heard it each morning for real when in Ghana). They are always fascinating and interesting, giving cultural insight and usually wisdom.

But when Dayton would use proverbs in our arguments, it drove me up a freakin wall.

I don't know how to really get over him; our relationship was more of a package deal than just between us. The girls, the continent, the cultures, the experiences, the future.

My love for Africa is not just because of my love for him, so I cannot stay away from Africa in my travel fantasies (perhaps a Serengeti adventure next Christmas?) and news interests. But so many things remind me of him, especially Africa. Pursuing my interests is painful, dredging him up.

I am again at crossroads. I love New Orleans, but it is not my only love. Time in Alaska made me remember who I was first, and how I liked that life. Being back in California felt like home, too - especially speaking Spanish. And what about a life abroad?

My grades are not wonderful. I'm barely in the top third of my class, and with being outside the mold of desirable new legal hire, it will be an uphill battle to find a really great-paying job. Nor do I want the lifestyle and 90-hour weeks that entails. I was accepted for a masters in international development, and I never officially accepted nor declined though I decided against it (disorganized program, decision to focus on law, and requirements of spending a summer in classes). But maybe this grade debacle is a signal that I should reconsider it.

I need to make a decision about that fairly quickly as well as about other things - such as which geographic region I hope to be employed in (applications for next summer hiring programs are due now). If I pursue a job in Anchorage for next summer, I am really kissing good-bye all possibilities of a job that would take me to the southern hemisphere. And vice-versa.

There are so many frustrations with living abroad, things which make living in New Orleans seem plush in comparison. (By the way: two days without cockroaches!! I am so happy - and Tami, I'll ask him what he did. The wasps that set up a nest right outside my back door may have killed them. Or the five mouse traps in my kitchen may have caught them.) But, Rick brought up a good point when we were out putting posts in the dogyard, when he said I'm attracted to dangerous people. He wasn't quite right: what I'm really attracted to is a challenging life and interesting people, and danger usually isn't too far from that. I like to be pushed beyond all my comfortable limits - both physically and psychologically. But sometimes, it's really exhausting.

Today I slept in until 9:30. I'm not blaming anybody for effing up my sleep schedule (*cough* Holts), but I think I'll stay home today rather than go in to work as I'd planned (and where I have yesterday's eel sushi & seaweed salad waiting for me). I have so much work to do here, with moving in and cleaning. My back is feeling a little better, so hopefully I can move things and vacuum and mop and all that. Or sit here on my couch and blog the whole damn day. Either way.