socializing, I mean studying

I found my New Orleans food friend. We eat together, it's our thing. Jenny, I just wait for the day years from now that she says, "Better friendships are based on less." Today after eating lunch and then snacking we went looking for crepes but instead crashed a reception with tasty tortellini and chocolate mousse.

There is no place to study with another person at school because EVERYBODY is there. And they're all wandering the halls looking to chat.

Today I finally had my first conversation with Man Who Could Be King (the extremely good-looking young man with a voice that gets me hot like MLK) - and he stressed me out BIG TIME. He's in my Civ Pro class, and he told me all he wrote on the exam and I'm like - hell, I don't remember doing most of that. I need to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. But here's the thing - while he didn't do it with me, with other Black guys, he did the handshake snap. I just about fell off my chair - it was like I was back with Liberians. I said to Twists Girl, "That makes me feel like I'm home" - which is very strange considering I've never even been to Liberia.

And the other Black guy (because, yeah, there's only two in all my classes) FINALLY likes me. He no longer avoids eye contact with me and will even give me a hard time. We had quality study time today - which I still don't understand. Really - all that we did, if focused, fit in about 15 minutes.

But, the benefits are there because I'm finally Black. I've tried so hard for so long, and now it's finally come true.

That's the only conclusion I can reach. In our school, all the Black kids hang and all the White kids hang. Far fewer of the former are at the school, and there's a camraderie. I walked past some study rooms, and it was all Black or all White. So, if I'm with the Black kids, then I have to be Black, too. It's the only logical conclusion.

Don't get me wrong - the White kids are nice to me too. Maybe because they can't see I'm Black. But there's something a little strange about them. And many of them will stop being nice to me when they see who I choose to be with. Others, however, have only started being nice to me.

It is so fucking crazy. But, I'm like, bring it on. I want somebody to make some kind of comment to me, because that would so be Go Time. Instead, it's just looks. That's what Twists Girl said, how people look at her funny - I'm starting to see it.

But I see the line drawn in the sand and I'm saying "Hey, you want to draw a stupid line in the sand, then I'm over here! Where you don't expect me! Haha!"

Because it's about who I feel more comfortable with. I don't remember the last time I felt comfortable in a room full of white people. It's been a long time. Unless they're way cool White people - I mean, of course I have white friends - but almost all of them are currently in or have been in serious relationships with people from other cultures.

Because who you sleep with - it's political. And I think I'll start the National Pro-Miscegenation Party.

Do I try hard because I think how my stepchildren will be Black (if Dayton removes his head from his posterior)? Maybe, but I doubt it. It's baser than that.

I'm kind of an outsider. I always have been. I've always associated with the inner circle, but never wanted to belong. I appreciate other outsiders - I like the scrappiness and courage to keep showing up. And the best thing my parents ever instilled in me was a real indignity at the concept of racism. It just pisses me off. I don't care about it making sense or working within its realities - it makes me mad and it makes me want to bust 'caps. Which means that eventually cool people of different backgrounds realize I'm cool and they introduce me to their inner circle (here, it was K), and I'm integrated. Next thing I know I'm playing mah jong and asked to be a madrina.

Tomorrow = Torts final. And it will be nasty. Shrug. If I could just set my sights a little lower - like being happy to be getting a "B" - then I could worry less. Because the worrying isn't getting me any closer to prepared.