And it was really interesting.
Again: CRUSH WARNING - NAUSEA-INSPIRING TEDIUM
Tango as a metaphor for life. At first I laughed, but the Hot Honduran convinced me. He's actually really interesting - the things he thinks about and the way he explains his thinking - it's fascinating. And he's cool when I don't agree with him. And he listens to me. And he calls me. And he keeps telling me why old relationships shouldn't shadow new ones. I find his metaphors and moral endings to be charming - but I can see them being annoying later. And when he talks about how to start a relationship so that it lasts, I just don't listen. He taught me that trick - just not listening. So there are times when I smile vapidly because what he just said evaporated into the air and did not register. Sometimes he tries to get a rise out of me, like about gender differences, but I just look past him, and when I don't respond he actually then will say something interesting. And I always get a chuckle out of how I can startle and embarrass him when I bring up sex. He seems to want to talk about it but doesn't seem used to it like his other topics. I also do find it interesting how he characterizes men - I am learning.
We're moving way too fast. I should leave the house all day tomorrow to avoid him. Although he didn't say he was coming, it's been two full days of him, mostly unexpected. None of it's bullshit - it's all stuff we've asked to be taken care of. But it basically means I've been with him for 12+ hours both days - from first visit to late night phone call. And he came here the previous two days when I wasn't here. Of course I could work when he's here ... but he's so much more interesting than my boring job.
He says he never chases women, and that's about keeping the power - but he's made himself very available. Hm. Interesting. Who's got the power now, babe?
Nah, I don't subscribe to that power nonsense. Except for calling me late at night, it's mostly just in the course of work. His boss, my landlord, has started calling more, almost checking up on him - and whenever the phone rings we look at each other guiltily because we're always talking without him working. When I asked today if I would have to start breaking things to see him again he said the landlord will start wondering if he's there anymore. I said I don't care and then I called the landlord, who is a totally nice guy and I really like.
And what the hell do I wear Saturday night? I need more information!
Sigh. This is all far too confusing for me.
But I really think it's fascinating about the tango lessons. Maybe after he leaves (I don't want to intrude on his space) I could go - maybe I could get a friend to go with me. I just fear I wouldn't be very good at it.
At any of this.
Sigh.
OH - and I just realized ... some number of posts earlier - I said something about all I want is hot available men to come to my house. I don't want to have to go out and find them and all that nonsense - I just want them to show up.
And they HAVE! Two of them! So while EJ is on the back burner being patient, I can play with HH until he leaves. I can never complain again - the universe has indeed provided!
***********
7/13: I'll just add all my next rants to this post rather than having a gazillion different posts about some guy. I'm an out-loud thinker, so am working through all my conflicting emotions here. I'd talk to neighbor C about it, but I don't want her to say anything to him. It's not that I doubt my perceptions, but I always like a second opinion.
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was NOT thinking about the Liberian ex. This is the first time I remember that in ... two years? Oy. I've always been thinking about him, even when not thinking about him. Today when I woke up, though, it was about the Tangoing Mennonite (new Hot Honduran nickname). Just thinking, "Oh, I want to tell him ..." (don't even remember what, but something I wanted to say).
And for somebody who's been in long-distance relationships exTENsively, there's a wonder to all this. A man who calls me and we talk a long time? (I still don't like talking on the phone, but it's such a marvel!) Who I see physically on a regular basis? Who hangs around for long conversations? [Of course it's nowhere near as good to me as the actual times I spent with D ... but that's over now. I keep reminding myself. Just because it could be so really wonderful with him, and just because I fell so hard in love, doesn't mean it would last forever. And a lot of it is my fault, but a lot of it is his, and that doesn't matter anymore.]
None of that for very much longer, since he's leaving in a couple weeks, but I am completely loving having communication not email based. It's setting a new expectation standard for me. Things other people take for granted that I haven't, because the two great loves of my life weren't anywhere near me (Klaus and Dayton) for any real period of time. Those relationships were punctuated with extremely intense passionate short times, but decorated usually with long absences. Klaus though was a very good letter writer and that was enjoyable to receive his long missives in the mail. He seduced me through his letters, and I loved writing them myself. I wouldn't say it was enjoyable with Dayton to email. Ugh, why am I tormenting myself thinking about these things?
Anyway, the point is, when I am able to get into a real relationship again, at some time in the long-distant future, it will be local. Period. Which works out well, since I'm totally in love with New Orleans. I kept hoping Ayanna would hook me up with one of her new husband's friends, but she keeps putting it on me. I missed her wedding since I was on the West Coast - she said it would have been a good opportunity.
Anyway, the Tangoing Mennonite is such a gift from the universe right now. And my only responsibility is to remember that this is all about FUN only. Learning, yes, and working through things, yes - but not to take it seriously. Fun. No future, no family, no gravity. Fun.
********
7/14
While Susan never reads my blog (because she never uses a computer), we've been such close friends for so long that we seem to read each other's mind. Susan really is family in all the good ways. And some of the not-good ways, but it's all part of the package of family. I am so incredibly blessed with the most amazing friends, who are so loyal and loving to me despite me being, well, a total pain in the ass the vast majority of the time.
When I talked to her on the phone last night I asked, "So, wait? Is this a Spanish lesson or a date?" I gave her all the clues and while she thinks he's interested, she told me to stop worrying about the labels. Just to go have fun. Which, I had forgotten, is exactly where I left this post yesterday. [And the fact that I was asking a lesbian who hasn't been on a first date in 20 years for romantic advice is probably a little funny at least.]
I'm just not hardwired that way. Ever since I was young, if I was attracted to somebody I've thought in terms of FUTURE. Would he be an excellent husband and father? No? Forget it. In 9th grade a boy I was very interested in pointed this out to me when I wouldn't really go out with him, and despite KNOWING this about myself I really can't change it. Which, there's no way I'm telling that to the Tangoing Mennonite - no need to make him run screaming to the hills - but that's a conversation almost exactly what we had two days ago - the nature vs. nurture debate. He is more nature than me about it - but my point of this paragraph is that he's maybe more right than I admit.
I read an article a few years ago about studies done on monogamy-wiring. I can't remember if it was DNA or brain wiring, but there was something different about the people who mate for life and the chemicals released in the brain.
The thing is, that is conflict in me with other desires. If I had ended up with the boy from 9th grade, I'd be a prison widow. Usually I have better taste than that (he's on the mind, since Tiffany and I walked places last month that he and I had walked together 25 years ago ... maybe I should try to find him if I make it back up there ... but when I google-search him I only come up with court docket numbers). But I didn't sleep with him because even as a young teenager I knew that I would get way too enmeshed. And because I wasn't sleeping around as a young teenager. And if I'm really honest, there have been very few phases of my life where there has been much sleeping around.
There's just this tension which I think is well-displayed in my choice of friends. I have to one end several friends who were never intimate before marriage, and to the other end several friends who have been intimate with almost anybody with a pulse. I'm clearly at neither extreme. But like a vestigial tail, my monogamy-wiring doesn't suit me well for this life. If I had married the man I loved at 18 or 21 or 14 or anytime - I would be so very, very different. Maybe different better - I just don't know. But very different because I would have sacrificed myself to make even disastrous marriage work because divorce would rip my soul apart. We don't do divorce in my family - not because of moral imperative on it, but because that's the genetics of it.
The last time I broke off an engagement, I gave myself years to recover. I had a rebound boy whom I took too seriously - but all part of the process. I don't want to take years to recover this time, though this relationship was far deeper on every level. I just don't know how to speed up the pace of recovery. Or if it's even possible.
I would marry someday, but I won't settle for less than fantastic. Which means ignoring the monogamy-wiring that insists I settle down with Mr. Right Now (because I am NOT well suited to a celibate lifestyle) and really paying attention. I was in love with D before I slept with him but it all happened so fast, and it cemented everything. Uncementing that is so very, very difficult and painful because our souls entwined at the cellular level.
So when I see the Hot Honduran Tangoing Mennonite tonight, NONE of that should be on my brain. Instead I should think of him as the last four guys who've emailed very excited about seeing me - Rene, Lalo, Paul, Chris - just friends. And if something else happens, then it does, but I need to stop thinking about it that way. I need to have a good time with somebody whose company I enjoy, and that's it.
And I think I'll write that on my hand in code so that I can remind myself of it every 30 seconds.
Poor guy. I'll be so whacked out with trying so hard not to be whacked out. I'm not going to be any fun at all, since I'll be overemphasizing the light, trivial nature of our interaction. If I try to treat him like a girlfriend he will buckle and resent that and call me on it (he's a very stubborn, sassy man), but I can treat him like other menfriends, such as those listed above. And I won't think anything about kissing him or seeing him with his shirt off or ... Wait. That doesn't work either.
All right. No more thinking about any of this - how do I really manage to overthink EVERYTHING?? Time to find something else to do.
****
7/16
He is a great rebound boy. Explicitly even. I just told him enough about the space I'm in, but even before that he knew something was up and inquiring about my day.
But the best part is that when he showed up to do the yardwork, it didn't feel weird at all. I wasn't giddy or butterfly-y or any of that. It was all cool. Comfortable. Just like before.
And this morning I had texted him and he'd called right away. I'd wondered if fooling around messes up friendships always. And he said that we can do whatever I want. That he enjoys my company and we can be just platonic if that's what I want. That's not what I was saying, but I appreciate that. It was more of just a wondering. I've never been good at fooling around with friends - it seems to mess things up. I got issues. But if he's issue-free on it, maybe it can be cool. And I asked him if that works for him, and he said it depends on the woman and if she gets attached. I said there's no problem there with attachment - that's not the space I'm in at all. I mean, I'm already attached to him as a friend, but there's no space for a romantic attachment. And I said we should talk in person about it, it's weird on the phone.
And so then I was thinking through how I would explain that, and of course I had to think a lot about Dayton, and of course that really upset me. I'm nowhere near over D. And it made for a crappy day on top of some work challenges, and especially on top of being starved for the past week and a half. I don't function well without food.
And he showed up and made me laugh, and what more could I want in a rebound boy?
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