he's fine

Dayton just emailed. For anybody keeping track, it's been since beginning of May since I heard from him.

His timing is a little strange, eh? He says he just got back from his trip out to the boonies. But did he catch the vibe I was naked and fooling around with another guy?

Oh, and he's so very mad at me. Funny how he can turn that shit around like that. Good for me to see it and remind myself that he can be a self-centered dick and that's why I broke up with him.

I just wish that everything were different - I wish we were in the same place and could work stuff out. Or not. But at least we could talk face-to-face and spend lots of time together and all that. Instead we had to base an entire relationship upon one month and a few weekends, which is far too much strain. I still believe in most of heart that he's THE ONE for me (just as Dora must have a place in Avery's heart), but I'm not a saint. I need an active relationship, not memories and a maybe for the future. I never believed before in that whole soulmate nonsense ... soulmate friends, absolutely, but there's more than one ... but soulmate as in one person for me - never bought it. But then I fell in love with Dayton and the axis of my world shifted. I just really, really hope that I'm wrong about that - that I will someday (and the sooner the better!) find love again.

If I begged him now and promised to never complain again, we'd be back together. But what kind of life is that? I can never tell him how I feel? That's definitely a cultural thing, and it's taken me this long in my life to know how I feel, so I'm not going to stop. I'm not a harpie and I don't complain incessantly - but he hears it that way. A friend of mine, her husband recently told her she's not a good wife because when he came home after being gone a month, she asked him to sit with her because she missed him so much (I'm sure there's more that I don't remember, but that's the gist). Well, that's the gist for women - we hear ourselves saying, "I need you and want you," and men hear us saying something entirely different - about demanding and complaining. Not all women and not all men, of course. But enough for me to see a trend. (Oh goodness - now this blog entry is taking a turn to sound like last night's conversation. The Hot Honduran likes to make sweeping comments about "men" and "women" and I always feel compelled to point out that I rarely fit under the "women" category - which he says is the difference between speaking generally and specifically. And then he kinda makes up for it by reiterating that I'm a strong and resilient woman. I wish it weren't too weird to talk to him about Dayton - I could use his input because he's the only chauvinist I talk to. But he's way not into hearing about it - he'll talk rhetorically about future men I get involved with, but not past.)

ANYWAY, my point is ... these friends have been married 12 years and have three children together and this is STILL a problem. And he used to totally adore her and waited years to be with her. And STILL - when she expresses her emotional needs, he shuts down and becomes a dick. So, I am delusional to think that D would ever get better about that.

It just really, totally, completely breaks my heart. I feel like half a person without him. After three months considering myself not with him, and dating the hottest guy I find and click with, that sense of loss hasn't changed at all. If he knocked on my door right now I would be the most ecstatically happy person in the world ... but continuing to go through this long-distance crap? I can't do it.

But, I'm glad he's fine.

And I'm thinking it's time to start a new blog - I don't like this title. Any suggestions for a new title?

How about "World of Rebounding"? No ... because that's not the focus of my life really. Sometimes all I talk about, but it's not what keeps me going. NOLA Transplant? NOLA Pilgrim? Livinola? (Livin in NOLA ... hm, if I have to explain, then it's probably not good.) Decorative Wooden Brackets ... maybe that. That's what makes me so freakin happy in this town. Seriously - I look out my window and see them, and all is right with the world.