fire #2

I yawned and looked at the clock last night about 10:30 and thought, "What the heck. Why not go to bed now with a good book?"

I had just undressed when the phone rang.

Off we were to another fire. This time getting ready was so easy - just put the clothes back on that I'd just taken off.

This fire was more complicated - major damage to a FEMA trailer, several people affected, all pretty traumatized (some had JUST moved back from evacuation in Texas, and now this. My "Welcome Home" sounded pretty hollow). We had to do a ton of paperwork to get everything taken care of, and all this with all sorts of firefighters milling about (some smoking!) and then the fire inspector, well, inspecting.

When we stopped in the van beside the fire trucks, I turned to Jake and said, "I think I have a thing for fires now. I went out with a firefighter last night [the Tangoing Mennonite was a firefighter for many years], and now we're chasing fires all day, and I'll be standing in the glow of firetruck lights." Jake was very sensitive to my revelation - he's always sensitive. It's that good northern Midwest boy thing. I'm sure his girlfriend feels like she's caught herself quite a prize. And he is - he's very sweet, kind, patient, talks about his girlfriend all the time, etc. etc. - just volunteered the past two years and now hopes to go to medical school.

And I wonder why I've never been the slightest bit attracted to men like that. The Tangoing Mennonite has a theory (not about me in particular, but in general, because I throw off his theories quite a bit) about men needing to be MEN and leading and being in charge, etc. etc. and that's what women really want. I pointed out that I don't want to be led, but that I would only want to be with somebody at least as strong as me so that I don't bulldoze them.

But what is real strength? Hm. I'll have to think on that. I think that sometimes I confuse it with difficultness and stubbornness.

And I'm having kind of a hard time thinking these things through because it feels like I've really changed significantly in the past few years. In ways that I don't fully understand perhaps.

So, my little Nica malady appears to have lost me the 10 pounds I've gained in the past year (I blame the Yamasakis always for weight gain, but that's less than truthful). I am feeling much better now - living off applesauce and cottage cheese seemed to make my stomach flora restore properly, and the tequila the other night was a final medicine.

But after more than a week of consuming around 500 calories a day or so, eating is unappealing. I started writing down everything I eat, and I'm finding it hard to get up to 1000 calories, and I've been exercising every day.

This means of course that I feel tired all the time. But it also means I understand a little bit of the appeal of anorexia. It's hard to feel in control of my body when I'm ravenously hungry all the time (which is often the case, especially when studying much, and which I now understand is at least in part caused by my thyroid condition). I like having more control than that. Now I still eat when I'm hungry, but now it's applesauce or turkey or cottage cheese or odwalla bar (when rushing out the door to a fire). No real meals, and nothing over 200 calories at a time. I'm still afraid of the consequences of eating more than that - those sharp shooting stomach pains have me scared. I stop now at "not hungry" because any more and it could hurt. [I really noticed the difference in portion size when I went out; I ordered 1/2 the food and could only eat 1/2 of that.] And about the fatigue - well, I'm on vacation and while I should be working, I can sit around all the time and not do much. And of course the benefit of losing weight is great for me. When I listen to the doctor and don't go below 1500 calories/day - I really don't lose much because of my slow metabolism, even when exercising significantly. Neighbor said yesterday when she saw me, "You've lost a lot of weight!" She meant it like, "You're sick and need to go to the doctor," but I heard, "Great!"

Of course I fear that when I start eating "normally" again all this weight will come back on with a vengeance. And with my impending trip to Cali to see many food friends, this will undoubtedly be the case. Plus, this isn't sustainable because I'm not eating vegetables - that's too much for my stomach to take right now, and I'm waiting until Thursday when Chris picks me up at the airport and I get to enjoy a salad for the first time in forever with him. I'm taking vitamins, but I would love some spinach or zucchini.

I just would love to be able to connect my brain's hunger messages to my body's caloric needs - there's a major disconnect there. And it's not just psychological or learned, there's a physiological component for me because of the thyroid issues. Maybe it is just an issue of mind over matter - those times when I can't concentrate in class because I'm so extremely hungry - maybe I could rewire my brain to ignore that or understand it in a different way. Like my Nica malady being aversion therapy. You know, like the electric shocks delivered to a pedophile upon seeing naked kid pics; here, the serious stomach discomfort upon consumption of, well, anything maybe helped rewire the "food: good" sensors in my brain. Well, probably not really because it was only for a few days.

See, Susan and I have a bet about who can lose more weight before the next time we see each other. I'm worried about her predisposition to diabetes and other things, and I think she's worried about mine. I really miss her mom a lot. I think about her regularly.

And this no-energy laziness totally fits into the weather right now. It's been raining since the early morning, and I don't want to go out in it. I never know when there will be flooding, or lightning very near, etc. Of course I'm just being a big baby about it, but I'm enjoying the holing up in my home and waiting out the storms. (Until I get another fire call.) But I *will* venture forth for a motorcycle endorsement (I was less than encouraged when the DMV worker told me to keep bringing back my card "until" I pass the test. "Um, well, I hope to pass it the first time!"). And I'll get there early enough to take the test this time!

Um, yeah. I'm just procrastinating now.