mourning

I might have actually gotten more studying done when I was traveling.

I'm finding it impossible to concentrate.

I keep thinking about John. It's not that we've ever been close, it's not even that I've been close to Carrie in recent years.

It's just that it's SO DAMN SAD that Carrie died.

Somehow it all makes fee simple subject to a condition subsequent seem completely unimportant. Unfortunately the days where I could just shrug and say, "Oh, it'll all be fine if I don't stress about it" and still do really well - those days are long gone.

I want to DO something to help John, but I don't know what. He has friends, he has family. And it's about being selfish - I want to do something for him that will make ME feel better. Make ME less sad about Carrie being gone forever. How fair is that? So I don't call him because what I want is for him to make me feel better, and that's ridiculous. He lost his wife and the mother of his young son; I lost an old dear friend I expected to reconnect with some day. There's no comparison in our grief.

John would be the first to say that life goes on. And I know he doesn't mean it in a way that disrespects her memory in any way - and he's right. Of course life goes on. But it's so very very sad.

Not that I'd honor Carrie's memory at all by flunking my exams - but somehow in my 30's I found a level of emotionality I never knew before. I'm SAD now and I miss the memory of my friend who was a really good person. Dammit.