OK, Tiffany isn't younger than me - she's actually three months older. I'm so bad with ages!
And I need to say a big thanks to Ahmed, who asked about Dayton as we were walking back from the parades. It always helps to talk things through with him, especially from a cross-cultural and guy point of view. And to Amy, who asked on the phone about Dayton and always has a good listening ear and great perspective about children in school and how to deal with men from different cultures. And to Lara, who emailed to ask what the hell is going on with Dayton, and continues to believe that even selfish me would a good mother. And to Tiffany, who processed my rant about Dayton with some really valuable relationship insight. And to the random Canadian (who isn't really random anymore) who asked at dinner the other night.
I process out loud, and I appreciate people willing to listen! I feel self-conscious about talking about him ALL THE TIME - it's just that he's on my mind all the time.
So right now we're in a holding pattern - he has emailed and called but I don't answer. I'm just not ready to talk to him now. He left a message for the first time (nobody has voice mail there - it's not part of the carriers' service) which unfortunately I couldn't understand because he was speaking quietly and he's upset. I hate hearing that in his voice. Not angry, but worried. He promises to try harder, but I've heard that before. It's just that I get so damn needy with him, and he doesn't understand.
I had a nice little chat with the FEMA guy yesterday - I asked the secret to making a relationship work when you see each other only 2 weeks out of the year. They have FOUR CHILDREN which she has raised basically alone, and she's a police officer. She sounds amazing, and their kids are all so well-adjusted it sounds like. Sometimes it's easier without somebody else there to negotiate with all the time. Anyway, he said the trick it to take advantage of modern technology - with webcam he can see his kids every day. That's awesome.
The point is, they worked it out. They've been together 20 years. That's not the kind of relationship that I want, but what if that's what we get? What if I get a great job offer and end up traveling all the time, or even being stationed somewhere else, or later going to med school somewhere they don't live? Maybe I don't really have to sacrifice all that I think I do. I'm applying these rules of relationships that may not be applicable to us. One of Dayton's strengths is that he is so pragmatic - he can live without sex and companionship and all that if it has to be and he doesn't complain or imagine things differently.
And the FEMA guy said their kids went to daycare. I am having a hard time getting over the value that daycare is bad. My mom stayed home with us and most of my friends stay home (or want to, Tami) with their kids - I do think that's best. But what if it doesn't work for us? Can I be a good parent and still work a lot?
Dayton still feels like home to me. Even when he makes me unhappy. That's something important. But I don't know how to do this without the stress that makes me sick. With desire comes unhappiness. I just don't know to romantically love as a Buddhist.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Heeeey...I went to daycare...look how I turned out? ^_^ It's what is valued at home and what parents teach their kids that make the difference. No matter how crazy the world is, if things are set well at home, it will be well, usually, with the kids. =) My parents had to work - and they needed some sort of day care for us when we started going to school. My mom stayed at home until she no longer could, until financially, we could not do it, and so as soon as my brother started kindergarden, we both went to a school that provided after school day care. My dad worked graveyard, but he'd wake up to fix us food and bring us to school while my mom went to work; my mom would pick us up after work, and take care of us until we went to sleep, and during this time, my dad worked. We actually did this for most of the entire time that we lived in Garden Grove...until I was about 10 or 11.
When my brother had to go to another school (he was a picky one, and always cried alot, and eventually, they decided to move him to another school, and he did better there), it didn't provide daycare, so she literally went knocking on doors of those that lived nearby, asking for someone who would help take care of my bro, even though they were complete strangers. Fortunately, things were a little better then. She found another asian family in the area, and my brother would be there after school until my mom could come home and pick him up after work.
Daycare worked out for us, and my mom and dad both raised us well at home. We were fortunate that she was able to stay at home until my brother was about 4 - and though they relied on day care after that, it still worked out because home values were good, and set.
In retrospect anyways, that's what it seems like to me. =) And I think that as long as you and Dayton agree on teaching Cece consistent values, she will do well. =)
And I do hope things with Dayton are looking up...have you called him back yet? =) You must! Don't be stubborn! =)
Post a Comment